Rants & Mental Health Blog

 I was having anxious thoughts.  I thought my dishwasher was broken (the detergent wouldn't empty all the way).  It turned out I needed to rinse my dishes / scrap off food before I ran the dishwasher.

 I had a neighbor named Phillip who was giving me rides because I didn’t have a car.  I found cars waste of money for daily living because of car insurance, maintenance expenses, gas, tires, etc.  Phillip offered to charge me money for rides to convince me of his expenses.  I think that reinforced that cars are a waste of money unless it was for work.  Buses in my area are either free to the public (Chapel Hill, NC buses and Wolfline routes) or free to low income folks / people on food stamps / Medicaid (surrounding RDU area that charge money) – basically GoTriangle and GoRaleigh.  GoDurham was free to the public for the next year if I read the article correctly. I mostly stayed home and offered to go with Phillip to help him deliver food and groceries for Doordash and Uber eats.  I declined when he said he preferred I brush my hair to give his customers a good impression.   He kept mentioning my messy hair – every day that he talked to me....

I was working a football game at Carter Finley and felt like getting anxious in the crowds.  Last season, I worked by the bathrooms so not a lot of people by there.  The position by the bathroom got removed this season.

I been halluncinating today that 2 Tesla were fixing Target automatic door and 2 buses were fixing my bank's coin sorter.

 I had a therapist video visit.  I was telling him  about Tim who didn't know Adam & Eve was a sex shop told me to trod off when I demanded money from him I talked about him a lot but didn't like him I also told him about work picking up and being hounded by debt collector.  I mentioned Chinese person who was texting me about yard being cleaned up by housekeeping.  I told him that I told the Chinese person "I didn't know him / her."  I lived in a rental, so leasing office / landlord would handle yard work. I called Tim a virgin mommy's boy (not exactly sexy) I thought Tim violated my boundaries (ie calling me despite me saying "It's not going to work out").  Tim told me to be a stripper to get extra money. I been halluncinating cars fixing my defective dishwasher and my cart past couple days.

 My dad is giving me anxiety.  He gave me an ultimatum - share my location with him since he's paying for my phone bill.  I never did like giving my dad my location because I don't need my dad asking me "am I sick?" every time I'm at a doctor's visit micromanaging my schedule saying I should be leaving now for work and asking why I'm nowhere near my work

  I had a PCP visit (primary care visit).  My doctor said she could take over prescribing refills for my metroprolol but still wanted me to be seen by psychiatry and GI.  I told my PCP that I had a visit scheduled with psychiatry after Labor Day, but I didn't see it in my UNC chart.  My PCP sent a message to my psychiatrist and sent a message to social worker to help me make food stamps last a month and to help me with transportation to and from work.

  My anxiety was improving.  I used to call nurse the moment I had symptoms.  Now, I could wait a couple days before seeking medical care.  I even talked myself out of scheduling with Dr. Phipps - my family doctor - because I was going to see her in 2 weeks at one point.  I thought the urgency to seek medical care died down.  If I had no injuries, I probably could wait a few days. I been halluncinating 2 Tesla cars, my mom's Honda and Camry, dumpster truck, tan truck, and 3 city buses following me around yesterday and today.

Reasons why I need disability payments  I'm not working as fast I kept getting written up at Amazon because I'm not meeting rate (my rate is too slow) I'm not counting inventory as fast I'm not stocking as fast at Walmart information overload i was working recycling job and had to quit because my brain was overloaded with multiple things coming down conveyor belt when you are looking for one particular item memory issues personal hygeine is a problem my hair is matted and has knots I'm not big fan of brushing teeth

 I had a therapust video visit today,  I was telling him I was  Tim's "therapist"  I was Tim's "mommy" I told Tim and my therapist I  didn't know how therapists would bill Tim's insurance wouldn't it be weird if Tim told his doctor, "My therapist said [,,,]"?  He wouldn't have a record. I told my therapist that Tim was insecure about jerking off and needing to call me in case he got scared naive (he didn't know what testerone - the male hormone - was;  he didn't know sperm come out of your dick) I told my therapist Tim was sexually attracted to me. I told my therapist about a creepy guy who knocked on my door the moment I was home to ask me if he could take me to dinner or lunch.  I didn't know who he was and assumed he saw me from his car as I was walking home. My therapist was wandering if I had food and if I was going to get money for food.  I told him Food stamps reloaded on the 21st for me.

  I been hulluncinating past couple days of Tesla cars fixing elevator in DH Hill library and city buses fixing automatic door to Target on Hillsborough street in Raleigh, NC.

  I only halluncinated 15 days in July, so about half a month.  At least I'm not halluncinating every single day.