Rants & Mental Health Blog

Tim hadn't been answering the phone, so I texted his brother's office to see if he was ok.  The office told me Tim passed away last week.  I was shocked that he died and kept replaying in my mind his comment to me to "trod off" when I asked about getting some money. I'm halluncinating as well.  I'm riding bus and have a bunch of cars following me,

  I was being anxious about my cart that I have being broken and started halluncinating cars to fix the problem.

  I want to talk about a Cold Case episode ("The Plan") from season 1.  It actually resonated with me because the character, Elisa, had schizophrenia and had halluncinations that come back despite taking medications and taking stronger medications.   I have been in the same boat as Elisa back in 2021.  In 2021, I was working a card job at Millenium Print Company (night shift) and was halluncinating lights dimming and brightening during my shift multiple days.   I also halluncinated my fingers disappearing once during a shift.  I had to get my antipsychotic - I think it was Geodon - on a stronger dose.

 I had a video visit with Mark Marquez - my therapist / social worker - today.  He helped me organize my bed and said Tim lacked a filter.  I definitely agreed and will tell him next time that Tim wanted to tell me in case he got an erections. I was halluncinating past couple days about the cars fixing Target's fridges which lost power, so the food went bad. Tim was so sheltered and naive, he didn't know what sperm came out of penis.  He didn't know what a naked woman looked like. I always picture Tim watching Andy Griffins, Green Acres, etc on MeTV and not using the phone to browse the internet.  What's the point of owning an iPhone if he's not going to use GPS and internet browser?

 I think my halluncinations and my anxiety connected.  I was being anxious last night about windows shattering in the library at NC State University campus.  This morning, I halluncinated cars helping bus remove chain stuck between seats.

I was being anxious today.  If my poop continued to be liquid, I was going to urgent care.  Since it was a solid log, no need for urgent care. Because I was anxious, I started hallucinating 2 Tesla cars, 2 city buses, my mom's Honda, my mom's old camry, a dumpster truck, and a tan truck were going to follow me to urgent care in case I needed to go.    I had 2 of the cars check my roommate's room because I had seen maintenance men in her room yesterday.

  I started halluncinating today.  I asked my halluncinations - 2 Tesla's, a tan truck, a garbage truck, my mom's honda, my mom's camry, and 2 businesses - to help build a cart that I hallucinated and to follow me to Target. to library, to Fedex, and to my eye clinic. As Tin's mom, I found one his parents never taught him budgeting, so looks like I have to teach him how to budget.

  Tim lived a sheltered life, and my friend Kelsey called him uneducated.  Tim is so sheltered, he didn't know sperm / semen come out of your penis.  Mark - my other friend - said Tim needed to grow up and act his age. I am stressing because I am broke.  I need money to pay for food, my new glasses, and 2 prescriptions.  I am being hounded by collections agency who is wanting to see if I can pay the $400 remaining balance.  I don't even have money for food.  I ran out of food stamps which won't reload until 7/21/2024 Since Tim is my "son", I asked if he could give me some money, and he told me to trod off, to became stripper, and to ask my other friends.  I never told my parents to trod off; Mark never told his parents to trod off either.  I told him I was upset and that it was cruel to tell me to trod off.  I hung up and started crying.

  Tim had an iPhone but I don't think he surfed the internet.  He just watched Andy Griffin Show , Beverly Hillbillies , and Green Acres .  He didn't know what a pimp was Adam and Eve was a sex shop what incest was I had seen billboards for Adam and Eve location in Greensboro, NC.  I was pretty sure his series didn't talk about pimp or incest.  I must have looked up those definitions or seen them in police procedurals. Tim didn't know pregnancy and breastmilk were related.  He didn't know caffeine kept you up.  He didn't have boundaries with his mom because he and his mom talked about her sex life.   As his mom, I told him it was inappropriate to show him my butt it was inappropriate to talk about my sex life He asked me if he became hard, should he relieve himself?  I told him it was his dick, so he can do whatever.  Was I really going to micromanage his dick?  I told Tim getting hard was not an emergency and that mommy didn't...

  I was tired last night, so I didn't post videos last night.  I took my night medications - schizophrenia medicine (Geodon), vomit control medicine (notriptyline), and heart medicine (metroprolol) - 1/2 hour early last night because tired.   Apparently I am Tim's mommy.  He liked me to make decisions for him.  He called me this morning and said his TV clock and stove clock said 1 pm.  When he checked his phone, he saw it was 9:29 am.  I asked him if he was going to change the time, and he said "sure, mommy".  He took it well me micromanaging him for some reason which I mentioned to Mark - another friend. I was halluncinating cars - city buses, 2 Teslas, a dumpster truck, a tan truck, a Toyota camry, and a honda - following me to Target and to DH Hill library today.

  I felt like Tim is giving me anxiety because I felt like Tim's therapist mommy micromanaging mommy I thought Tim and I were friends.  I shouldn't be micromanaging him / making decisions for a grown man. He was 59 years old and lived with his mommy for 55 years. Tim's old neighbor - Sherry - is a stripper.  She can't be that bright because she dropped out of high school she used "me" instead of "I" - "me stripper" ; "Me show Tim my butt" She should say "Me lack brain cells."  She was coming down to Yadkinville, NC, and Tim was tempted to go see her in Yadkinville, NC as a neighborly thing to do.  I talked him out of it.  She is a selfish whore who mowed lawn in g-string and shirt didn't ask Tim about his friends, family members.  She even didn't ask what Tim was up to.   It was always about her making a lot of money stripping (getting paid to be almost naked for horny men)

  Tim felt secure enough to listen to me.  I wasn't so sure because Alexis (a potential roommate) said I was using him I got Alexis's landlady mad (was being anxious about finding a place to stay and pressured her to make a decision) owner of cat, Zelda, and I are not talking woman who lived across from my mom and who was a friend, Judy, didn't want to talk to me anymore Mark - another friend - liked me despite what I stated above. I was halluncinating the cars - 2 Teslas, a Camry, a Honda, a tan truck, a garbage truck, and 2 city buses - following me to dental visit.

  I have this friend, Tim, whom I told that I didn't like him.  He had snored while talking to me on the phone twice been making excuses as to why he couldn't come see me his current excuse was that he was worried about getting lost been talking about sex a lot saying Totodile (a cartoon character from a kids show) would be sexy if he had his missing body parts (penis, testicles, ears)  giving me graphic description of what stripper he knew was wearing (she was wearing a tutu, and you can see her butthole) - I didn't need to imagine her butthole some sketchy people in his life Chokar - the ex-hooker Sherry - the stripper who like mow lawn in g-string If Tim wants to be associated with stripper who mow lawn in g-string, knock himself out

 United Healthcare called me and verified I was still with them.  I told her about applying for disability, my struggle with transportation late at night, getting help cleaning my room, and struggling with food.  I called Alliance who verified Medicaid sent letter saying I was being switched to Tailored Plan (Alliance) but never switched me which was weird Medicaid did reach out to my psychiatrist office about me calling Behavior Health Crisis Line but she didn't know if office let psychiatrist know.

  I got bloodwork at my primary care visit today because my psychiatrist wanted to check my cholesterol and sugar levels.  My Geodon for my schizophrenia can cause elevated levels. I was hallucinating the cars watching the microwave being installed. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stay in hotel or catch taxi, Lyft, or uber home for a job in August.  I guess it's stressful because I don't have a car.

  I had an psychiatrist video visit where I told her I been  going to doctors a lot to ER twice in a week anxious My psychiatrist wanted to check my cholesterol and sugar levels. I was halluncinating as well.  I was halluncinating 2 Tesla cars, 1 tan truck, 1 dumpster truck, 2 city buses, a Honda, and a Camry fixing my microwave. As I was walking home, United Healthcare called me and said I was on their plan until September 2024.  It was strange because  I got a letter saying I been switched to Alliance Health (tailored plan medicaid for mentally ill and for those who have developmental disorder or traumatic brain injury) in July Alliance allowed to schedule rides with them Alliance said I been with them since February 2024